Heartache

 Moon, tell me if i could

Send me heart right upto you?

So when i die, which i must do

could it shine down right here with you?

-My Love Mine All Mine (By Mitski)

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Heartbreak isn't the easiest to deal with, so if you're there out struggling, I hope you know you are not alone. I think I've confined those feelings and desire inside of me for the longest period of time, starting from my childhood innocence, and having to end it in the current adolescent phase I am in, I still struggle to find closure. That also adds to the fact as to why I even started this blogpost, because I don't know when closure will find its way to me.

This will be typed from the most raw part of my heart.

I was around 9 years old, and I could swear to myself I could never find interest in a man, and when I did without realization, denial was the only thing that could protect me from the identity I thought I had. It was hard for me to accept the fact that I ended up liking him, just like the other 3 girls did, I think 9 year old me was quite the child, active in class, competitive, nerdy and soft, sensitive. I remember, I cried alot in class. Alot of the time. Now that I've found better change, it really does feel funny to think of the past I once had.

 I don't find it a coincdence, then the next thing I know, our teacher made us sit in the same group. I always was naiive to it, and then I remember, that time I was having a difficult period in my house and the thought of you brought comfort to me. And I didn't like it. But I remember wanting it secretly. And so, I never admitted it to anyone for the longest time. 

I remember, I changed the school then and we met at a mall by accident. You talked to my elder brother and I ran away. And then I thought, I must have really liked you more than I thought.

And then when I forgot you for the third time, you started coming in my dreams until I couldn't forget you anymore. I thought to myself, he is the one for me. And I must laugh, for that is quite the dumb fantasy I made in my head. 

And then when I found out, years later, what you were actually doing in life, and you had a girlfriend, thats when I realized...

'Oh.'

Oh.

You didn't do anything here. I just felt what I thought I should be feeling, until I realized I shouldn't have felt it at all. I thought you genuinely liked me, from all the innocent and petty interactions we made in grade 4, and now I sit here, realizing that fantasies must have a limit. 

 The moment she said, "He talked about his girlfriend", I realized... that reality was slapping me in the face, telling me to wake up. The entire time I wondered of your existence, I can laugh and say you never wondered of mine. Its quite funny, and how stupid I have to be honest, it makes me feel. I remember, I took accountability for myself, I knew I would stop hoping right there and then, even if my hopes did get crushed, and I remember feeling what actual heartache feels like, I said to myself 'Ohhh, i see... Okay then.' I said, 'Ooh, i see...' I said, 'Its okay, we're so different after all', I really was okay, until I realized my eyes were already watering, and my body couldn't move. And I stopped and realized.

Yeah, I did like you.

And yes, I took responsibility for my feelings,

But when will the pain leave?

When will this feeling of insecurity leave me?

I remember I asked God alot of times, what lesson did this teach me? I don't see a point. We never dated, never talked afterwards in life, what kind of lesson will this heartache teach me? Why did I commit myself unconsciously to someone meant to be so irrelevant?

I always try my best, and yet.

The pain didn't leave.

I thought, it'd take me 2 months.

But I'm typing this, 8 months later. 

You idiot.

Yes me, I'm the idiot.

God doesn't want to give you a flower, he plans a garden.

And time will do its job. I know moving on and detaching seems impossible, but as long as I keep going on, all of this will one day disappear.

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Nothing in the world belongs to me,

except My love

Mine all mine.

(Mitski, My Love Mine All Mine)